Warning: To avoid embarrassing yourself, please stop right now and close the door, or wait until you’re alone before reading the rest of this post. Why? Because if you’re like me, you may just laugh out loud, thereby drawing curious stares from those around you.

Here’s the setup: Periodically, a militant vegetarian (sometimes called a vegan) will write a letter to the editor that gets published in the Press & Sun-Bulletin. Inevitably it leads to some rather fun conversations in the “story chat” area. A few weeks back a letter to the editor encouraged meat eaters to “stop animal slavery” (Time to stop ‘animal slavery,’ switch to healthier veganism). I couldn’t pass that one up and left a comment, part of which read, “Perhaps you should start your campaign to eliminate ‘animal slavery’ with the tiger and jackal populations first. When I see them being won over to your superior viewpoint, I might consider it.”

Yesterday someone wrote a response to that original letter (Respect carnivores). This set off a new round of discussion. It seems almost beyond belief that there really are people who want to deny you the right to eat meat–but such is the case. It seems Greater Binghamton has a sizable population of these nut cases. I have no quibbles with those who choose to live a vegetarian lifestyle–as long as they don’t demand that I do as well. The problem is, it’s not enough for radical vegans to live their lives–they can’t help but want to run my life too!

But enough of the setup. Among the discussions that ensued, I read a comment that actually made me laugh out loud. I enjoyed it so much, I asked permission from the author to reprint it here, which he graciously granted. Enjoy this tasty morsel!

I had a problem with vegans once. I have a very large garden on my land, and I like to grow a lot of my own vegetables and spices. They go great with steak or pork chops. Anyway, one day I noticed a group of vegans in my garden, and I shooed them away with a pitchfork.

To keep them away, I placed bacon strips around my garden. This plan backfired, however, as a group of carnivores came and ate the bacon. My next idea was to put a couple of Halloween skeletons in my garden to scare the vegans away. This plan also failed. One day I was out in my yard and I heard someone exclaim “Mom! Dad! You look terrific!” I realized it was the vegans talking to my skeletons. So again I chased them away with a pitchfork.

At this point I was desperate to keep the vegans away from my garden. So I went to Tioga Gardens, bought a dozen Venus Flytraps and a dump truck full of Miracle-Gro. I fed the Miracle-Gro to the Venus Flytraps until they were seven feet tall. I then placed them strategically in my garden. One day, I heard a horrific scream, and rushed out to see what was going on. I got outside just in time to see my Venus Flytraps do their job. Oh the sweet irony of seeing vegans eaten by plants! I no longer have a vegan problem, and I have renamed my plants “Vegan Flytraps”. I plan to market them to farmers and to other people who have a vegan problem.

- “Common_Sense”

Thanks Common_Sense!

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